The Problem with Faith

It's Sunday, and I should be at church. And if it weren't for the paper that I'm writing, which is due tonight by midnight, I probably would be at church. Here's my problem: even if I were at church, I wouldn't take communion, and, when I left, I'd probably be wishing I could have felt the same level of connection as everyone else there. I imagine that everyone "experiences" God more than me.

I'll give you a quick summary to catch you up to where I am as I start this blog, which I plan to use a simple mind dump as I keep stumbling over what I essentially see as a faith problem. A big, fat, fucks-with-my-mind-all-the-time faith problem.

I want to recount all the conversations I've had on this subject in the last couple of weeks as evidence, but I cannot. I think the best summary can be found in the question posed on the Orthodox Church in America website, titled "Journey to Faith", in which the questioner boils down his question by saying:

I had a question about your statements regarding faith: "There are basically two aspects to faith; one might even say two meanings of faith. The first is faith "in" someone or something, faith as the recognition of these persons or things as real, true, genuine, and valuable; for example, faith in God, in Christ, in the Holy Trinity, in the Church. The second is faith in the sense of trust or reliance. ... For Christians both types of faith are necessary."

I consider myself to be in the position of a man who wants to find the road home, even though he is standing at an intersection with many, many roads. Although any individual road is probably not the right way, some roads are more likely than others to lead home. I would like to choose a road, rather than simply say, "Well, I can't believe that any individual road is the right one, so therefore I can't choose any of them." By choosing a road, I'm exercising the second kind of faith: trust. To the minds of the Orthodox, is that enough? Or do I need to be intellectually convinced that Orthodoxy is probably the right way, and not just the most likely way?

The response is just so frustrating for me:

Orthodoxy would not limit faith to an intellectual pursuit. In fact, Scripture defines faith as being assured of things that have not yet been seen. One can intellectually understand all there is to understand about this or that, but intellectual understanding can not guarantee that one will put his or her faith in someone or something. Put another way, I can know all about God, but until I know God - that is, until I accept His revelation, until I experience Him in my life and in the lives of others and in the life of the faith community - I do not enter into the realm of faith.

What do you have to do to experience Him? Right before the answer says "until I experience Him in my life..." it says "until I accept his revelation." Putting items together in a list like this generally implies one of two things: either the items in the list are sequential actions or they are like/equivalent things. This means either (A) accepting his revelation is a causal prerequisite to "experienc[ing] Him" or (B) "accept[ing] His revelation" is the same thing, or part and parcel with, "experienc[ing] Him."

I don't like either of those ideas, or, put another way, they are both dissatisfying to me:

• (A) reminds me of people who are always seeing miracles EVERYWHERE, saying that God causes everything wonderful to happen, when there is just as easily a scientific explanation for the phenomenon of the sun rising every day or of a child getting better from an illness through the use of modern medicine.
• (B) places experiencing God just on equal footing with/dependent on my acceptance that He exists, as if He would have no relevance or interaction with my life if I didn't accept that He existed.

So the philosophical, intellectual, Give Me Proof Or Anything At All approach fails to give me much hope or motivation.

But.

But: time and time again Christians end up surprising me, inexplicably. As my newly acquired friend, who was raised, and continues to lean heavily, atheist said, roughly, "Christians who really get it, not all those close-minded, annoying people who would justify being close-minded in another way if they didn't have the excuse that organized religion gives them, but Christians who acknowledge all the complications of life, who struggle with faith and meaning, and still end up being Christian, those are some of my favorite people, and I can't intellectually tell you why." How about another mind-boggling example from a professed atheist: "As an atheist, I truly believe Africa needs God".

But: I need God. I can't believe, honestly, that I'm writing this. I NEED God.

• All my attempts to get rid of my nasty habits and tendencies fail when I apply my own willpower to them.
• Don't get me wrong, I think I have many good, let me say "great," qualities. It's not a self-esteem issue.
• It's a I Have Hit The Limit Of What I Can Do On My Own issue. Not that it is a perfection issue.
• I'm not trying to become some sort of super-human awesome person and I just need some sort of divine assistance to get me over the hump or anything like that. But I do want to be a decent person, who is considerate of other people, who gives of myself for others, who does not live by an Adam Smith-ian Every One Should Pursue His Own Interest. Not that I don't know anyone who is not religious and still a good person. I have plenty of examples of non-religious good people in my life.
• It's not that I am dissatisfied with the life I have created on my own. Worldly-wise, I'm kicking ass. I'm in graduate school that I find fascinating. I'm living in the beautiful Northwest. I am able to make enough money to support myself through contract web development work, flexibly and comfortably. I am making music, which I love to do.
• It's the internal things. I only know that it is the inside me with which I am dissatisfied. I am not gooding at driving my own internal car. I keep running red lights, getting parking tickets, crashing from time to time, driving drunk. If outside were like inside, I'd have had my license suspended. I need someone else to drive.

I'm not sure what to make of this. I have faith in the second way: I believe that people having God is a good thing. I think it is necessary for me, because I don't think I can do this crazy life on my own. I want, and do not have, the primary kind of faith: how do I know or feel or experience God in some way that will calm my fear that I am just making Him up in my head to make everything better?